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Tuesday, October 2nd, 2035
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banner by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) benningasm.
i didn't feel like re-securing my nearly 1,500 previous posts, so those are public. deal.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
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| Time: | 2:50 am. |
| Mood: |  sick. | | Music: | Dashboard Confessional- Vindicated. |
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my last friend has failed me. nothing meant anything. now pittsburgh is ruined.
what do i do to people? this is all so inadequate.
mary im'd me. i was hurt that she hasnt read my lj lately. apparently im a fatass.
another friend gone.
goodbye, metallicarose2.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, August 16th, 2004
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| Time: | 4:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  hopeful. |
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"But, after all that, here I am; yes, I'm on the internet after all of this time. I'm hip, I'm with it." -Chester
i am alive, I've been on livejournal. here i am.
i've been forgetting all the good things lately:
a lady was nice to me in the checkout line at giant eagle.
i won two dollars on an instant lottery ticket. two dollars is two dollars.
it's been really really beautiful out. The lake is blue.
i drove in the rain, past the spot where my incident occured, and didn't care at all.
i parked in a parking space, and backed out of it, with no problem.
my cousin Jill IMed me, and we talked.
I took Toffee out and let him roam the hallways.
i called Chris.
Lynn called while i was out, and left a message on the machine. it was great to hear her voice again.
i got a review on a fanfic at fanfiction.net by my favorite author there, inspiring me to write another one.
I am hoping to repair all friendships damaged by my lies and by this journal.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 15th, 2004
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am feeling like SUCH a fucking teenie today. i could squeal 'til i burst.
BURST I TELL YOU!
i totally snuggled my LPU t-shirt in my sleep. im such a dork.
i watched the BTH DVD today.
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW @ Smithers!
there is also a page in the Creepy LP/Alisha files involving that. I'll spill if anyone asks. Don't wanna force you to read shit you don't want to.
i made a stupid little diagram, but i don't wanna post it, because it has no point. and i cannot draw, even in MSPaint.
let's see if i can mention anything else i forgot about yesterday...
OH! yeah!!!!
the Taiwanese kid... his name translated into English was Beer. I'm serious. If THAT isn't a sign from above, i don't know what is. lol
i saw a chick in a golf cart, twice, that a-fucking-lot like Anna.
i got waited on by the "i like your wallet" girl at two completely seperate locations and times. The second time, from my vantage point, i could see the Meet & greet tent, while it was wrapping up. That made me scowl. But not as much as little fucking PRE-TEENIES behind me.
ok, mind you... i am standing in front of them, and they haven't seen anything of me but my clothing and my hair. (both black)
Pre-teenie#1: Y'know, i should totally come home one day with like, all black clothes, and my hair dyed black.
me: ::scowl::
PT#2: and you should like, get a tattoo and your lip pierced, or an eyebrow ring.
me: ::steamed::
PT#1: Or, like those stupid spikey bracelets.
me: ::audible cough::
PT#2: omg, im so glad we didn't miss them!
PT#1: oh, i know! I didn't they'd be LAST.
Me: ::eyebrow cock::
PT#1: oh i know, i totally thought LP would be like, second.
me: ::SEETHING:: ::thinking:: it's THEIR fucking tour you dumbasses
PT#2: oh man, i would've been so upset if we missed them, 'cuz i love LP, like it says on my shirt.
at this point, i orderred my water from WAY too perky "i like your wallet" girl, who recognized me.
girl: "Hey i waited on you before! Still like your wallet! Tee hee!"
i just rolled my eyes and grabbed my fucking water, wishing some had replaced it with vodka.
a lot of the bands on the Revolution Stage annoyed me, because they kept adressing the crowd as "Ohio State". wtf? this ain't Columbus bitches. If ANY university is nearby, it's Kent. duh.
Less Than Jake: "FUCK this Akron/Cuyahoga Falls shit, this is fucking CLEVELAND."
yer damn fucking right.
ok, i think i'm tapped out for now.
more details as they arise.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
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::deep breath::
Okay. i have a confession.
No one hacked my emails, lj's, or instant messenger names. i lied. When Guy made fun of me and then unfriended me, i was crushed. Then Carey followed along and she wrote mean posts about me. What else is new? *sigh*
i was afraid that Jen was going to do the same. i created a distraction to keep people on my friends list. Yes, i was making 'pity me' posts. i have been giving out false IP's because i wanted the blame to be put on those who had wronged me. i didn't EVER think it would lead to this, and i am so sorry. The new lj, bend_the_truth, the new AIM screen name, and the new hotmail address are not me. they were set up to make it look like it was me.
This all started because I was jealous. Then naughty_tangled made the filtered post and i couldn't resist letting Buffy know about it. in a pathetic attempt to become friends with Carey again, i told her to post it in Buffy's journal. *sighs*
krap_nikil IS ME. nahmster knows this. Other lj friends know this. As I wrote to rachaellpu:
well you *know* i was hacked, but yes, krap_nikil is me. *sighs* i needed somewhere to go, somewhere to vent out all of my anger and frustrations.
i am so sorry for all of this. But in truth i do and did really not care for all of my livejournal friends. i just want to be alone and i want to die.
i made krap_nikil public because i knew i was getting called out eventually, so i wanted to win at the game.
In short, in the end... it doesn't even matter. Take what you want out of this post, but i, alisha, am a liar and i am sorry for most of it. i'm leaving the internet for awhile.
Goodbye.
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Comments: Read 40 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 10:20 am. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. |
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The One and Only Jentopia,
That's all right. the delay gave me something to look forward too.
I understand that sentence completely, the first time through. And you're correct. Jen has problems of her own that are "uncured", and perhaps she was in fact jealous.
Well, see, then we relate to each other well. But honestly, it didn't have to be LP. It could've been anything. Some other band, some other artist. It could've been something else entirely. But it was LP. That's my point. She was making a huge deal out of it being LP.
I must keep a lot of good company, despite Jen, because even people who don't like LP *gasp!* understand what i am getting at. Music is life. (Not according to Abe... but obviously he is a lousy musician then.)
This "broken habit" stuff hasn't been easy. I still get tempted, even now. BUT, it is safe to assume that my tattoos help. They're serving their purpose for sure. Get tempted- look down. Hello January 21st. :)
Thank you for having faith in me.
here's the drama-filled follow up, sonce it has to do with the advice you gave me about Jen.
She and i are no longer friends. i dont know if i mentioned this or not, but if i have, please skip it. Her husband Abe called me at like midnight, waking my mom and everything, to discuss what was going on. He told me that i needed to be "assessed", and that i was treating Jen like dirt, etc, etc. And he told me things he had heard from mutual friends of ours about me, all of which were wrong, and made me look crazy.
ok... the night after that phone call, Jen IMs me at like 3 am (just as i was getting ready for bed) and proceeds to bitch at me. She calls me delusional, and tells me that i live in a fake reality. She tells me to stop patronizing her. She tells me that she was concerned about me and that i "shit on her" for it. She tells me to stop playing the victim role, and to take a long hard look at myself. Then she told me to fuck off, and it was over.
She removed me from her and her husband's friends list, and i did the same.
This is rather, um, ironic for me, because i have lost best friends in the past. quite a few. 6, actually. (technically 8, because 2 did it twice) always to boys. This time, i lost one best friend to 6 boys. *laugh*
This leaves me friendless here locally, pretty much. i have some old high school friends, but they don't get me anymore. and they are all coupled off or married, so i'm on my own.
lol. "Numb" just came on the radio.
There's a bit of a side note to this. I just had my first kiss about 3-4 weeks ago, and it was Jen. (Yes, i'm almost 22 and that was my first, i'm pathetic, i know) (Her and her husband have an "open" marriage...) Now, i waited so friggin' long so it would actually mean something, and now it doesn't. That bums me out more than losing the friendship, since obviously she wasn't much of one all along.
okay, i am off to add you to distant_wind now, and i appreciate you listening to my blather.
So far, out of everyone i have asked if they think i'm crazy, the only ones who agree are people who are friends with her.
<3
Alisha
From: jentopia <jentopia@gmail.com>
To: "A. Burr" <harukaskaze@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: im stupid
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 11:28:58 -0400
Alisha,
Sorry for the delay in my response. I just couldn't seem to remember the password to this account. Heh.
Anywho, I honestly think you and I are in slighty different but very similar boats. People who don't have something to look up to or look forward to generally shit on anything that someone who does have that something. I don't know if I explained that properly. You might have to read that sentence over a few times. I hope you understand.
It's very easy for me to relate to you because it is also LP that has helped me in a very awkward moment in life. Honestly, if it wasn't for "Easier to Run" I may very well be in the same spot and I thank Linkin Park everyday that I am not. Most people see that as crazy because: 1) they aren't fans and 2) they probably don't comprehend music in general they way we do.
I admire you for opening yourself up to Mikes Lyrics and Chesters voice and in turn being able to "break the habit". Most people would never be able to get themselves out of a very horrible habit such as that. I'm very proud of you for taking that step.
I'm not one to lecture, but I am one to give sound advice and by adding Jen to your Private journal, albeit on a filter, was a bad move. Perhaps you should've taken the opportunity at that very momemt to tell her that her selfish, demeaning ways were the very things that encouraged you to create a private journal. Regardless of your friendship, because after all...if she was a TRUE friend you wouldn't have to be careful about the things you say around her nonetheless her husband/boyfriend.
This is where you add me to your private journal and then e-mail me your drama-filled follow up ;)
<3
- Jen
jentopia why did you give me shitty advice? jentopia where are you when i need you? jentopia Chester is pointing and laughing at me. jentopia mike is screaming 'let me out of the closet you obese cunt' lol omg bth just came on my cd!!!!!32lk incident wheres my razors blaydes lol
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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well, it's time to go.
i'm leaving.
i dont really have a choice, because i dont have a way to fight back. So, she wins.
and, maybe its time.
notebook & paper are good for this too.
I'll try to find a way to stay in touch.
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 8:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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ok, so Carey wrote an entry to/about me, and linked it in anon comment. I did read it, and all i'm going to say is that i am not stupid enough to randomly hand out an IP address. i'll be the first to admit i'm stupid, but not that stupid.
i am so puzzled by today. It blindsided me.
so fast.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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what the fuck else today, hmm? what the fuck else?
here's an explanation of the previous entry, as best as i can muster.
yesterday, naughty_tangled made an extremely filtered entry, which i was lucky enough to see.
fast forward to today.
i'm sitting here, farting around on the internet, when naughty_tangled's roommate IMs me. VERY strange, but not unwelcome.
She links me to her own journal, which is headed with a "why-did-you-make-a-nasty-anon-comment-in-my-journal-you-motherfucker?" entry. She then explains that someone who could see the entry naughty_tangled made had made a scathing anon comment in HER journal, saying stuff she wasn't supposed to see (i gathered).
so THEN she tells me that only like 5 people can see the entry, and she logs IPs. I am the only one with the ISP that matched the anon comment, and that the IP addresses were close.
i was stunned. i didnt know what to say. i knew i didn't do it, but noone else did. HOW could i do that to her, after what she did for me? i couldn't. EVER. even if she HADN'T done me the biggest favor ever, i STILL couldn't have done that. i don't do that. i don't.
But there was no way to prove it wasn't me.
She'd hate me.
another friend, gone.
i apologized to her roommate a zillion times, because i didn't know what else to do. I didn't do it. i shouldn't really apologize for soemthing i didn't do.
Then, i realized.
Carey.
her and naughty_tangled had fought in my LJ before. A few times. They didn't get along. and Carey would do something like that.
i showed her roommate Carey's IP and it was a match.
hence my anger. and the FO.
and i had to change my passwords.
i'm so sorry, Jeana. i hope we're still ok.
i'm so upset, i just don't even know what i'm saying.
so THEN i left to go get my pictures.
yeah.
the delivery company forgot them today.
So, they'll be delivered tomorrow.
::Sigh::
this has only added to my exhaustion.
thank you to those who expressed concern.
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Comments: Read 24 or Add Your Own.
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i am so angry, i can't even describe it.
SO ANGRY.
did you HONESTLY, HONESTLY think you could get away with that?
i am so tempted to go hunting.
if i wasnt lacking gas money, i would.
thats it.
it's FO time.
but i am NOT going back to re-secure my previous posts, because there's almost 1,500. no way.
it took me long enough to do windowtomysoul.
god. people. i swear.
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| Subject: | you guys... |
| Time: | 12:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  silly. | | Music: | Future Leaders Of The World, or something. |
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LOL.
i dont care WHO gives me the song. My AIM is usually open.
i miss it. :(
you all are silly.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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i drank too much yesterday, and did not sleep so well.
had a dream, i don't really recall much, except for the presence of BBB. 'fro and all. lol.
my stomach feels all blah still.
i still can't get my all-in-one to work, which means if my pics come out today, i'll be at the Kodak Picture maker for a long time. lol. hope hope hope.
i had a GREAT conversation with Sarah the other day. She went on vacation, and i miss her. Christina will be moving soon, and i'll miss her too.
i FINALLY fucking wrote yesterday. finally. my god.
Then i subjected poor Gwen to my crappy writing, but she seemed to enjoy it. Thanks.
i am torn between forcing myself to eat something light, and trying to sleep again.
i already called about my interview, and neither manager was around. Actually, the place wasn't even officially open yet. oops. lol.
They're supposed to start replacing our balcony panels today. That ought to be disruptive. They claim they're done with the parking lot, but i think not.
i've discovered 2 things i need since my system restore.
1) the "sad" picture from my mood theme (i think Jeana is probably the only one who can deliver that business, she she made the mood theme)
2) an mp3 of "Dedicated". Julia sent me one, but it was weird, and made my Winamp very upset. lol
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Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 7:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  drunk. | | Music: | Strata- When It's All Burning. |
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guess who's drunk?
oh, that'd be me.
Erika held a cookout to celebrate my grandma's birthday (yesterday) and my mom's birthday (Wednesday, i think).
and the question of the day was
"Want a beer?"
i said yes a little too often. lol.
she got a cake from a lady who has a side business (and lives down the street from us, btw). i swear to god, it was the best cake ever. the problem is, that Erika got a 1/4 sheet cake for 5 of us. Double layer. omg. there was SO much left. 1/3 of it is in the fridge now. ::hugs it:: my cake. i am SO getting a birthday cake this year. i stopped getting them cuz noone makes good frosting anymore. but this lady does. anybody want any? lol
My Uncle and i exchanged concert stories. that was fun. He was far more crazy at my age than i am. lol.
i changed the beads in my ears today. BLUE, so now my ears and my labret match.
Pictures come back tomorrow. HOPE!
PS- you have about 2 days to respond to this: http://www.livejournal.com/users/harukakaze/379763.html, if you have not done so already. XD
Radio on Sunday nights stinks.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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my dreams are FUCKED UP.
witness:
today, i had a dream that was like, a movie documentary. A horror movie documentary.
it went behind the scenes of a movie that doesn't exist.
my dream was full of famous people.
Like Kirsten Dunst playing a bus driver, after the original actress stormed off the set. (oh no, i am not affected by Julia AT ALL)
i was IN the bus scene, as in, i was sitting on the bus. That part was more real than documentary.
I was sitting next to someone i knew, but i can't recall who now.
The killer guy was on the bus, and so was Chester? i have NO idea. my brain is odd.
Apparantly this movie was about a guy who turns into some people-killing creature, because the movie was FULL of special effects.
i recall one part where they were explaining how they built the model for the part where Levar Burton's neck gets snapped before the creature eats his head. (Levar Burton? come the fuck on brain. get better actors.)
so after the scene about special effects, the dream changes to me, sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper while watching this documantary.
i find a picture that takes up HALF the page. it's a close up of a tub drain, and there is a teacup next to it.
i scream down the hallway
"THAT is the shower scene!"
and my mom (????) pops her head in the living and goes
"yep. and when it's over they show him walking down the beach with blood covering his ponytail as he plays a solo on the acoustic guitar."
i woke up then.
thats the most detail i've recalled in a long time.
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Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
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i likw how i do almost all of the prep for my mom's card playing day. That amuses me. I cleaned, i shooped, made her spinach dip, and the dessert. Sure both things came out great but still. /ego
im about to be odd, so bear with me. She had me make these cannoli parfait things. like a cannoli, but... not, cuz it was all low-carb and Splenda, and shit.
so it's Ricotta cheese, folded into Splenda sweetened whipped cream, with chopped bits of sugar-free chocolate. (it tastes way better than it sounds, trust me, i ate some)
so, what it boils down to is that my mom got huffy with me because i added cinnamon. it wasn't in THAT recipe, but traditional cannolis have cinnamon. Who has the degree in Pastry Arts? oh, wait, that's right, ME. they loved 'em, so there.
Green tea with lime is so fucking good i could die in it.
I think Rocky likes mean women, because he has VERY uncharacteristically been out in the living room with those awful women all night.
cleaning this place at the same time as my mom was QUITE fun, because i was in the kitchen blasting the loudest shit i could think of. lol. part of it was a triple X of KoRn.
i want my pictures. lol.
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Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 5:33 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. | | Music: | Disturbed Triple X. |
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i hate my brain.
i had some seriously fucked up dreams.
i had two seperate but similar dreams about LJ & naughty_tangled was in both quite a bit. Apparantly we were having a comment-war.
The other dream i clearly remember was some kind of reality show/scavenger hunt at my high school. That was obviously induced by seeing Laurel. But i dunno WHERE the reality show came from, because i hate those. Go figure.
Wondertwat had me going all over the damn place for crap for her fucking "party". But while i was out, i dropped the camera off. They'll be ready Monday after 2. i got that "Kodak Perfect Touch" business on it, so i'm HOPING and PRAYING that will assist in them coming out decently.
I'm concerned about those pictures. lol.
i should shower quickly before everyone gets here, and eat, since i haven't yet. My organs still hate me. i think i'm dying.
i think i'm busting out the beer tonight. i'm in the mood.
and now, i need to bitch.
This whole not being able to write shit is REALLY on my nerves. Like, "it has me in tears some nights" on my nerves. WHY can i no longer express what i feel?
When i look in the mirror, i cna see in my eyes that something is different. i don't know what.
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Comments: Read 19 or Add Your Own.
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today was both a waste and strange.
days after all-day shows usually are a waste.
i feel hungover, even though i didn't drink a drop of booze. Is it possible to be hungover from excitement?
i also have that "i was out in the sun" feeling. Not like sunburned, but like, drained. and my eyes are hot.
my internal digestive organs and me are not getting along right now either.
my mom left work an hour early so we could go grocery shopping, because she's having one of those dreadful card parties tomorrow. I hate these things. her, and Erika, and Karen (Tanya the computer whiz's mom), and Sherry (the bitch who is supposedly re-upholstering our dining room chairs) get together once a month and play Pinochle. They switch houses every month, and it's my mom's turn. Usually i go out, but where the fuck am i gonna go, exactly? That's right, nowhere. BUH.
ANYWAY, we went to dinner at Cracker Bareel first, and Abe was sitting outside smoking. Linda, of course, was worried. i have no idea why, all i did was say "hey", and fucking go inside.
Our waitress comes over and says to me "Don't i know you from somewhere?"
i looked her in the face and said "Yes you do, you sat next to me in choir in high school." it was Laurel. She sat next to me my sophomore year. She recognized me from like five years ago. Woo-hoo Altos rule. lol. We talked for a little bit. a very little bit. Small fucking world.
Yesterday i saw Joyce (cake decorator at HELL) at PR. i just can't go anywhere without seeing people i know.
Speaking of people i know, i think it's absolutely NUTS that me and rachaellpu can be 10 feet from each other more than once, and we have never met up.
in another blast form the past, i was sorting through some of my stuffed animal collection,a nd came across a large orange & white cat from TY. It's name- Al E. Cat.
It's color reminded me of O.J., which is probably half the reason. The other half would probably be because my freshman year of high school, a few friends called me AliCat. Meow. Makes me miss Holly a little. She was big on that. There was always this underlying sexual tension between us. Kinda neat, kinda scary. Kinda like with Gail. lol.
i woke up at 6:10 a.m, after going to bed at... um, i think 3. My eyes just flew open, and i was wide awake for like an hour. damn adrenaline.
i NEED to get my pictures developed to see if they even came out. i know one did at least, because it was outside, about 15 minutes before that kid came and sat next to me. (i know, half of you have no idea wtf im talking about, but oh well.)i hope this one pic comes out, because i took it like RIGHT before the best thing ever happened.
So, i got a call for an interview yesterday. i was walking out the door at the time of the phone call, so i just let it go, but that's what it was. hope.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  chipper. |
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My head is still hummimg, and it is the greatest sensation in the world.
i am considering a bubble bath.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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i think i'm dead.
i think i died.
because i sure feel like i'm in heaven.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
you know, some fucking amazing shit happens to me.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
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| Subject: | omg |
| Time: | 12:02 am. |
| Mood: |  nervous. | | Music: | Smile Empty Soul- Who I Am. |
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it's Thursday.
it's fucking Thursday.
Holy shit.
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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angry.
destroyed.
infuriated.
sleepy.
crazy.
high.
ecstatic.
hyper.